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The F-Word

September 3, 2010

No, not the 4 letter F-word.  This is the nasty 3 letter F-word that pops into our heads from time to time.  The F-word we try so hard to suppress and stop thinking about.  The word I finally got out of my vocabulary, finally making me feel so much better about myself.  That word?  Fat.  There, I said it.  Fat.  I feel fat.  fat, fat, fat.

Right when I got pregnant, Solomon and I were in the middle of half marathon training.  I was in fantastic shape…my legs were great, my butt was nice and tight, and everything just felt right.  I wasn’t in my skinny jeans, but all of my normal clothes looked and felt right.  Truthfully, I stopped trying to get into my skinny jeans, because getting in them would probably mean I was too skinny.  Even though there are “average” weights for heights, when I do hit that weight I look emaciated.  Me at 145 lbs. is just not good, I need a little more on me, even if I’m not in my skinny jeans.  That’s why I think BMI is a big load of crap, and generally don’t really focus on the number on the scale.  So now that I’ve rambled, the bottom line is I was thrilled with where I was.

I was really worried (and I know some of my friends and family were) that when I got pregnant I would totally freak out about the weight gain and changes in my body.  Even though I had to stop running (not all pregnant women have to stop running, that was just me), and can’t lift as heavy, and couldn’t do the yoga I was used to, I have been able to stay active throughout my pregnancy.  However, no matter how active I am (and I don’t overdo it at all), weight will be gained, it has to be gained.

In addition to staying active, I’ve eaten fairly well throughout.  I gravitate towards smaller, more frequent meals because I can’t eat too much at once.  The only problems are some of the foods I have taken to.  I eat a lot more sweets than I ever did before, and have even begun to drink a lot more of my calories (I heart lemonade).  All in all, I am getting 300-450 extra calories a day (in addition to extra calories for working out) as I should, and my weight gain is constant and right on target. 

What’s the problem you ask?  Even though I work out 5-6 days a week and eat well, I’ve hit the point where I just feel huge.  There is a giant belly in front of me, which doesn’t bother me in the least bit (hey, my cute little boy is in there)!  The problem is that I just feel soft from head to toe.  I know that once the baby comes along, my muscles will come back, and I will get back to my old shape, but it’s really frustrating right now to not feel like myself.  My arms feel flabby, my butt feels flat and my thighs feel huge.  I even feel like I have a double chin (I don’t), and I’m convinced I have chub from head to toe that wasn’t there before.  I’m starting to get a little insecure in this new body of mine, even though it’s only temporary. 

I’m proud of what my body is capable of, but it’s just a hard adjustment when you’ve always been fit.  You can only stay so fit during pregnancy, without depriving yourself, and allowing yourself to enjoy being pregnant.  Not the easiest lesson to learn (and I know from talking to several girlfriends that I’m not alone feeling this way), but it kind of sucks.  What’s hardest is knowing that some of the weight will fall off easily, but this will be an uphill battle to feel like myself again.  Plus, I just know my boobs are going to get huge, which is just awkward to think about, since I already feel like they have taken over the state of Massachusetts.

There you have it.  The F-word.  It’s back in my vocabulary for now, and I hope it goes away soon, and I go back to loving myself, flaws and all, after this baby comes along.  It really is an ugly word, I can’t believe I let it back into my life.

What do you do to combat fat talk?  What did it take for you to feel comfortable in your own body?

12 Comments leave one →
  1. September 3, 2010 10:17 pm

    That boy is going to put you through your paces–keeping you up all night and all day and insisting you take care of him on a whim. You’re going to find strength you never knew you had and feel fit, not fat

  2. September 4, 2010 3:11 am

    I’m 7 weeks postpardum and I feel sooooo fat everytime I try to get in my old clothes. I HAD TO WEAR MATERNITY JEANS TO A FOOTBALL GAME TONIGHT (frustrating to no end). I’m to the point where I look in the mirror and feel like I’m my old self, and am even comfortable enough with my body to ride bike / work in garden in only a sports bra and shorts (phew, never thought that’d happen) but those 9 lbs I still have on are obviously in my hips considering how my old pants won’t zip. GRRRRR. Pregnancy / aftermath can really mess with your mind.

  3. September 4, 2010 8:16 am

    You know I am right there with you 🙂 I feel guilty complaining about feeling self conscious because I feel like I am expected to just be grateful and happy. And I am. But I also feel self conscious, fat, and not like myself. I’m not even enjoying the round belly because it feels so stretched right now, it hurts!

    We’re almost there. 36 weeks is right around the corner 🙂

  4. September 4, 2010 8:43 am

    I wonder if it stems from just feeling uncomfortable. Maybe that’s manifesting itself into feeling fat?

    But I’m sure you will feel much better after the baby is born.

  5. September 4, 2010 10:10 am

    Um, I could have written this post. I had been doing great with gaining weight and enjoying myself, but in the past 2 days I feel… FAT. My thighs have gotten huge (or at least they have in my head) and I’ve already put on exactly how much weight I should put on in TOTAL. I guess I just have to step back and remember that it’s not all about me anymore. I’m growing a healthy baby in me and I’m doing all I can do to eat healthfully… most of the time! 😉 I stay active and balance that out with as much rest as I can. I really can’t beat myself up since I’m really doing pretty well, despite my daily desserts. But what fun would it be to be pregnant without indulging in a little treat each day?! 😉 haha! 🙂 We all just need to remember that we have the rest of our lives to lose the weight and tone back up. Trust me, YOU look awesome!! 🙂

  6. September 4, 2010 10:26 am

    I’m so worried that I will feel awful about myself when i’m pregnant. I freak out at the slightest weight gain, so I really need to prepare myself mentally for all of the changes that will happen BEFORE we even try to get pregnant. Thank you for this post! I know many women feel the same way, but don’t express it.

  7. September 4, 2010 11:00 am

    I hear ya girl… no matter how much we say “I am gaining weight for my baby” it is hard to appreciate the extra pounds on our bodies during pregnancy. If it’s any help (which i’m sure its not) you’ll be surprised at how quickly you lose the weight once your little boy gets here. Your thighs will slim down again, your tummy will shrink back and you won’t see the flabby arms or double chin so much anymore. It’s frustrating and even now, 10 wks pp and back to my pre pregnancy weight I still have a bit of a belly from the bump. It’s hard for us women who were in good shape before to accept that our bodies change so much. Having a baby is a huge thing for your body to go through, but on delivery day you’ll be amazed at just what it can do!!!

  8. greensandjeans permalink
    September 4, 2010 12:13 pm

    Seeing as I have never been pregnant, I can’t comment too much on this, but you have been an athlete your whole life and I have NO doubts that you will be putting that little cutie pie in a stroller and be pounding the pavement in no time!

  9. September 4, 2010 8:11 pm

    I cant imagine what it feels like to have your body just change overnight. However- you are doing something healthy for your baby and that is just amazing :)!

  10. September 4, 2010 8:27 pm

    Good for you for admitting it. I can’t imagine that a single pregnant woman has not felt fat at one time or another. You’ll be back where you want to be soon enough but in the meantime you are clearly not alone and all you can do is keep your eyes on the prize 🙂 An adorable little one still to come!

  11. September 5, 2010 10:50 am

    I am an RD so I always have to discuss this topic, even when I am not working because people bring it up all the time. I have issues with the use of BMI and I think the only thing it should be used for is an indictor of risk for disease. Just an indicator, like a trigger, not you will get this or that, but rather, hmmm, with a BMI in this range you are at increased risk for this or that so let’s do some further testing just to make sure. And since you know you are at risk, making x,y,z changes in your life may help reduce that risk.

    Oh, as for pregnancy, I have seen some people gain too much, and too little. Ultimately, the concern always is with the baby. I have to remind moms they can fix things after they give birth, but not gaining enough or too much during pregnancy can effect the baby, and that is a here and now problem.

    You look great and totally adorable. Hang in there Morgan!

  12. September 6, 2010 10:06 pm

    I can’t imagine what it must feel like to be pregnant and watch your body change so much like that. I would think it would be really hard! But I guess I would just keep focusing on that the sacrifice is worth it and at the end you will have something so amazing. You can (and will!) lose the weight and get back on track but right now it’s important that you and your baby are healthy!
    Counteracting fat talk is really hard, and I definitely have my struggles with it. I think what works best for me is just putting everything in perspective.

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